We've never had more opportunities to connect with other gay men.
A few taps on a phone can introduce us to hundreds, sometimes thousands, of men within a few kilometres. We can browse profiles, exchange photographs, arrange dates and meet someone for the evening without ever leaving our homes.
On the surface, it sounds like an incredible opportunity.
But there's a question worth asking: are we actually becoming better at connecting with one another?
Think about how socialising used to happen. Bars, clubs, parties, community events and simply being out in the world created opportunities for spontaneous interactions. You might meet someone you wouldn't ordinarily approach. You might strike up a conversation, make a new friend or discover a connection you hadn't been looking for.
There was an element of unpredictability.
Today, much of that initial interaction happens through a screen.
We scroll, browse, filter and make decisions about people before we've even exchanged a word in person.
Distance matters. Age matters. Race matters. Body type matters. Masculinity, appearance, social status and sexual preferences can all become part of the selection process.
When researchers interviewed men looking for men on dating apps, they didn't find a level playing field. They found hierarchies — organised around age, race and body type — and a recurring sense that the interactions felt superficial, that expectations went unmet, and that people were being sorted before they were ever known.
The preferences aren't neutral in their effects. Research on gay dating apps has examined how stated preferences and the way men talk about them work to maintain inequality — who gets excluded, and how that exclusion is justified.
For men of colour using these apps, the experience can be stranger still: being noticed precisely for your race, treated as a type rather than a person.
None of this says every gay man experiences apps the same way. Men's experiences differ enormously. What the research describes is the shape of the environment itself — the sorting, the hierarchies, the way decisions get made before anyone has spoken.
None of these preferences automatically make someone a bad person. We're all entitled to our preferences and boundaries.
But it's worth considering what happens when human connection becomes increasingly shaped by a list of criteria.
How many potentially wonderful people never get a chance because they don't fit the picture we've already created in our heads?
How often do we dismiss someone based on a photograph, a few words in a profile or their perceived position within a social hierarchy?
And how much time do we spend searching for someone who meets our expectations, rather than getting to know the person standing in front of us?
There's another interesting contradiction.
We can have dozens of conversations happening simultaneously, yet still feel as though nobody really knows us.
We can receive attention without feeling valued. We can experience sexual intimacy without emotional closeness. We can have access to an endless supply of potential connections without developing a single meaningful relationship.
And perhaps that's something worth paying attention to.
This isn't a small thing to get wrong. Connection isn't a lifestyle preference — it's a health issue, and a serious one.
In 2023 the US Surgeon General issued a national advisory on loneliness and isolation, treating social connection as a matter of public health. The advisory's argument is that being connected to other people is not a luxury or a personality trait but a genuine determinant of how well and how long we live.
Because connection isn't simply about availability.
It's about presence. Curiosity. Vulnerability. Spending time with someone without immediately deciding whether they're going to fulfil a particular need or expectation.
It's about allowing people to surprise us.
Perhaps the problem isn't that dating apps exist. Perhaps it's that we've become so accustomed to the convenience of digital connection that we've forgotten how to create opportunities for connection in the real world.
And this isn't an accusation directed at gay men. It's an invitation to look at the environment we've created, the habits we've developed and the experiences we're collectively having.
Maybe we need to spend a little less time browsing for connection and a little more time creating it.
Go to the event. Start the conversation. Make the friendship. Put your phone away. Get to know someone without immediately deciding what they can offer you.
Because being surrounded by potential connections and actually feeling connected are two very different experiences.
We don't necessarily need more people in our lives. We might need more meaningful experiences with the people already in them.
Sources
Interviews with 79 men seeking men — superficiality, unmet expectations, and hierarchies of age, race and body type.
How preferences and exclusion operate on gay dating apps.
Experiences of racial fetishisation among men using gay dating apps.
U.S. Surgeon General (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation
Why social connection matters for health and wellbeing.
Where a claim rests on research, it's cited above. Where it's my own reading of what that research means, I've said so in the piece.
If any of this sounds familiar, that's where coaching starts
Understanding what was missing is the beginning. Changing how you respond when it shows up is the work.
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